Paul Merson's brutally honest claim as he reflects on career - 'I don't deserve to be loved'

Former Arsenal and England star Paul Merson has opened up on the mental health struggles he endured at the peak of his playing career

Former Arsenal and England midfielder Paul Merson has revealed he "felt like a fraud" during the peak of his playing days. Merson has admitted the demands of top-level football intensified his battles with alcohol, drugs and gambling.

The Premier League legend has previously been candid about the demons he faced early in his career. This culminated in a watershed moment in 1994 when he publicly addressed his struggles at a press conference, around the same time he entered a rehabilitation facility.

Speaking on a recent edition of the Stick to Football podcast, Merson laid bare the internal conflict that accompanied his international recognition. The 57-year-old expressed discomfort with the praise he received following his England debut in 1991, believing it was undeserved given his performances in the Three Lions shirt.

"I don't think I deserve to be loved more," he said. "I didn't play well for England. I never felt that I'd come off the pitch at England and sat in the dressing room after and gone that's how I used to play for Arsenal or Villa or Middlesbrough."

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Merson, who battled anxiety during his younger years, represented England on 21 occasions across seven years but never quite replicated his club performances on the international stage. Graham Taylor handed him his first senior call-up, with the midfielder involved in the disappointing Euro 1992 tournament and England's failed World Cup qualifying campaign for USA 1994.

Today's supporters recognise Merson as the charismatic, self-assured pundit from Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday. Yet he revealed that persona bears little resemblance to the person he was during his early playing days, which cultivated deep feelings of self-hatred.

"I struggled with shyness, and I was quiet," he continued. "It was all right when I was around the lads. I hated myself with a passion. I was playing at the top level. Playing at Arsenal and winning trophies.

"I'd always be the same unless I had a drink, and then I was a bit loud. That's what got me out of being myself is drink, drugs and gambling. They took me away from the way I felt. I never turned up at England and thought, 'I'm here. I should be here.' I always felt, 'I'm a fraud.'"

Following his Gunners departure in 1997, Merson joined Middlesbrough, reaching the League Cup final during his only complete campaign in the North East. A four-year spell at Aston Villa followed, where he lifted the UEFA Intertoto Cup, before he played a key role in Portsmouth's promotion to the top flight in 2003.

A three-time nominee to the PFA Team of the Year, Merson described his brief spell at Portsmouth as "probably the best year of his career." The intense scrutiny of representing Arsenal and England had dissipated, yet he remained part of a squad with sufficient quality to shine at Fratton Park.

However, there are boundaries to such a drop in standard, and Merson discovered his fortunes had somewhat changed following his transfer to Walsall. The calibre of attackers who had previously enhanced his performances in the No. 10 position were absent, and he ultimately retired from professional football in 2006.

Merson enjoyed several non-league returns later in his playing days, featuring for Welshpool Town and the now-defunct Caerau on separate occasions. His most recent comeback occurred during the 2019/20 season when he made a handful of appearances for Isthmian League South Central Division outfit Hanworth Villa, where his son Sam currently plies his trade.